Dear me

Wednesday, August 07, 2019

"Dear me,

You have been traveling extensively since you took up this new position and you know that you are currently studying so you will definitely be having some tough time. You know you are ready to put yourself in high stress with new pressure new hope new expectation from people around you, and you have to sacrifice the time of doing what you really enjoy. You placed a high expectation on yourself.

You thought you can handle those while in fact, you were not as fit as you think you can be. You seek for supports internally. But you are afraid to share it out - not even parents. You don't want them to worry about you. It consumed your faith and strength but you don't know what to do.

Everything was better before you hurt your back - you tried to not thinking about it - you appreciate people around who care about you and you tried to do something to see if it will become better. You tried but then you realized you are still weak and it is demotivating. You have to give up on something you enjoy doing. You stopped looking into the mirror. It had been quite some time... trying to accept that only certain things are within your capability. Not only that made you lose confidence but it also makes you try to seek confidence somewhere else - by pretending to be alright.

You're so miserable for a certain period of time. Everything unorganized, occupied with works and non-self-love tasks. How can you forget to love yourself?"

It is dangerous to see how these changes affecting life and I could not put all these into words. It is hard to express. It makes me realize how weak I can be - what is the limit, how to reconnect with myself.

Been rushing and diving into the reality of the world. Overwhelmed with negative energy. Forgotten to appreciate little things. The fifth time I traveled - I stayed in a 5 stars hotel in India, served with great food and treated with great courtesy, but I was broken - I don't enjoy them at all. I hate it when I'm emotionally not strong.

Recharging. Slowed down the pace. Reflect. Learning to love again - myself and others, to gain positive energy again. I know I'd been stubborn and hid away, not being honest even to myself, struggled with opening up my heart. I've been so closed up that I've forgotten to love life, forgotten to spend time to be more understanding. To all the people who love me at my most unlovable... thank you. Dear me, you'll move on and be better.

I'm tough and strong in front of most and to be there for those I care - at the same time I need a shoulder to lean on when I lose my strength.

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